a fairytale of a different sort.

Thu, 17 Apr 2008 02:21:43 GMT

Once upon a time...

...in the polluted and overheated kingdom of The Angels, there lived a beautiful princess named Brittany. She was the envy of all the females in the land with long, golden hair that was attached by one of the best stylists in town and sparkling blue eyes courtesy of Lens Crafters and a smile that put the poster child for Crest out of a job (No, really, it put him out of a job. He's back in his mother's basement and has boycotted Crest, which is now proving to be more harmful for him than the people at Crest). Brittany was a sweet girl, kind to everyone she met, even those who were rude, hurtful and downright wicked (this was mainly a result of the fact that she had yet to fully grasp the concept of 'sarcasm', but many had hope for her still...for some reason). The men all adored Brittany, each hoping that he would be the lucky man who would catch those sparkling blue eyes (one time, a man thought he actually had caught her attention, but really she had just lost a contact and thought that he was Johnny Depp). Suitors from all over the kingdom would come to her door with expensive gifts and flowers and exotic chocolates that came all the way Sand Francis, a rather green and un-sandy land with a slightly eccentric ruler but that is another story for a later time. Brittany graciously accepted these gifts, thanking the men for their time but ultimately turning them all away. She kept the chocolate, though, and enjoyed them greatly in hopes that one day they would help her in achieving her ultimate goal: to have a badunkadunk that would put Jennifer Lopez to shame. She is attempting in vain, but no one had the heart to tell her that. It would be like telling a child there was no Santa Clause (which, by the way, Brittany was yet unaware of. There was one instance where they tried to tell her the Easter Bunny didn't exist and that sent her crying to her room for a week. It was a royal decision to not touch Santa in fear that she would become suicidal). No one could understand why the beautiful young woman kept turning away all these handsome, eligible suitors and when asked she simply smiled and went off to play with her animals. Animals always loved Brittany, especially dogs. They simply adored her and would always run up to her. Never had she once had a bad experience with a dog, even the most vicious ones would jump at her knees adoringly. Her security detail, however, was not so lucky and had a special salary just for shoes and pants, since they seemed to get pissed on rather often by the hoards of dogs that would gather around the princess. They were not happy. The days would go on and young Brittany would enjoy the adoring gazes of many and the lavish gifts that were sent to her, but she continued her path alone (and perfectly happy, since a woman does not need a man to be content with her life thankyouverymuch).

One day, Brittany's parents (the king and queen, obviously) decided that it was time that Brittany finally find the perfect prince because it would be very embarrassing to have their daughter become the oldest virgin in the land (which she may have been already, if it weren't for Steve Carrell, who had made it till 40). While she was not happy with her parents presistance, Brittany found herself a beautiful ball gown and had her extensions fixed, opened up a new pair of contacts and got in a dazzling set of veneers (all that chocolate had taken it's toll on her teeth) for the big night. For an entire night, Brittany had to smile graciously as familes from all around the kingdom (and the world) brought forth their sons, presenting them to the young princess in hopes that their offspring would be able and woo the young princess. Many, many young men were left disappointed and went off to enjoy the ball and the hoards of young women who were lingering around in hopes of catching the dejected men and being able to win them over with some serious ego boosting while the parents wandered off to find the booze as they came to the harsh realization that their sons were failures. The night dragged on and the slew of men seemed to be never ending to the point where Brittany's Crest-like smile was dimming into a total Colgate one. The princess squirmed in her seat, eager to get out of this wretched form of torture her parents have thought of when a family of four walked in. The son stepped forward, his mother, father and sister silently in the background as he introduced himself as a member of the house of Wine Stead, a well off family who enjoyed their liquor and often acted as fillers for large gatherings. Princess Brittany found herself rising a little higher in interest as she gazed out at the family in front of her, her smile growing wider as her eyes focused on a figure before her. An excited queen nudged her husband, noticing the apparent change in their daughter's attitude. It seemed as though cupid did strike and the beautiful Brittany now knew what love at first sight felt like. Rising quickly from her seat, Brittany quickly made her way towards the family (and stumbling over her dress in the process, because it was princess Brittany after all) and...brushed right past their son and stood right in front of their daughter, who had looked just as bored and annoyed as Brittany had felt earlier...but now she just looked surprise. The youngest member of the house of Wine Stead, young Mary, had become the apple of princess Brittany's eye and so much suddenly made sense, so many questions were answered. This worried the queen and king, panicking that there would be a major uproar about their daughter's newfound partner, but luckily there was a slight majority of males in the kingdom of The Angels and they were far too excited about the new couple to bother being annoyed with it. The picture of the couple's wedding kiss became the most published photo in all of history and the two lived happily ever after.

The End.

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Sun, 13 Jan 2008 01:56:59 GMT

Inside you there's a strength that lies
It's in you, that's where you'll find kindness

brittany fuckin snow

a fairytale of a different sort.

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